The fall🍂

Maybe I’m broken
Maybe I’m wrong
I could’ve spoken sooner than I should have
Only the good die old
That’s what they told me
But I don’t know

Maybe I’m breaking up with myself
Maybe I’m thinking I should just keep to the things that I’ve been told
Wait for the colors to turn to gold

Do you know?
You’re all I know
When everything
Comes crashing down
You’re all I know
You’re all I know

I’m ready for the fall
I’m ready for everything that I believed in to drift away
Ready for the leaves
Ready for the colors to burn to gold and crumble away

Wait for the colors to turn to gold

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All I found🌸

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In a room with warm dust
Cooled down by the moonbeams
The door was shut
And back against the door

Tiredlessly breathing
Energetic mind(s)
Worry and fear that the same thing would happen
This time
Last year

Hassle which I found
To lock the door
Which opened a secure space
And grounding a foundation floor

Head against your shoulder
Somewhat partly closer
Hands best unknown
Rather redundant disown

Forbidden time together
Forbidden act alone
Brief yet succinct
Spurred on by Instinct

You stared at the ground
There was a silent noise
I couldn’t bear
To see what was in your eyes

But all I found
In a dusty warm room
Filled with moonbeams of the evening
Was me and you
Hands Clasped so tight
And
Love

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In your eyes

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Take me out of this phase
I’m reaching a point I can’t even erase
All of the memories now
Please let me loose somehow

Overthinking
It’s Useless sleeping
It away
When everything has gone astray

Wishful thinking that everything will be alright
Eventually
Right?

It’ll be alright Janine
One day
You don’t need to be the guilty one
You don’t need to feel like the guilty one
When you’ve done nothing wrong

But that’s the whole point.
Everything’s wrong because I’ve done nothing
And let it turn vile and become a liquid poison
That I have to drink
Now

John 15: 4

“No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me”

“But they’re great friends”
I guess
I guess they are

But I guess they’re not the great friends for me then

The more I hug a knife
The more I lose a sense of life

I’m not alright
But I’m trying to be

One day
It’ll be alright
Right?

Right?

What ‘The Fairly Oddparents’ Has Secretly Been Trying to Tell Us All These Years

Jon Negroni

Over the last few weeks, you may have noticed I haven’t come out with any feature posts, and the reason is simple. I’ve been spending all of my time trying to understand the purpose of The Fairly Oddparents, aside from it being a funny show back in its heyday.

During my research, if that’s what you want to call it, I realized that the show taught me way more about life than I ever gave it credit for. While it’s no “Boy Meets World,” this show was far more relevant than I ever realized.

fairly oddparents

So I wrote an article, which came out today, about just that. You can read “20 Lessons We Didn’t Know We Learned From ‘The Fairly Oddparents'” on Moviepilot, where I cover some funny teaching moments from the show. But the fun doesn’t stop there.

See, I came across something pretty subtle while combing through the…

View original post 596 more words

The voice unheard💢

Is it Just me?
Or you’re doing that on purpose.
Is it your personality that you assume yourself to be ALWAYS RIGHT
Unopened to different perspectives and ever narrowing eyes when you don’t see eye to eye (literally)

What ho? You’re not always correct?
Join the club! Everyone has membership.
You’re NEVER always correct.
I just wish you learnt that.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Find out what it means to me.
I too have a say in something right?
Why are my commitments something people choose to compromise?
Am I that unimportant?
Another one, respect someone’s choices. I’d like to have my own goals in life left alone if you would please. I don’t need another person telling me I can’t make it, do I?

And even as I made a conscious effort
Feeling guilty as I’m the “problem”
You shortchange, discount, excuse yourself from all the judgement because you voice out your opinion so readily?

I can’t be that easily swayed.
Why I back down, if you ask, is because the WHOLE TOPIC IS SUCH A TRIVIAL MATTER.
Is it that fun to belittle someone?
I don’t know
I have never tried
Never do I want to.
I get that your character really has the adequate knowledge to debate over everything
EVERYTHING
Let it rest will you?

Over pronunciation of words
Over stance of the church
Over which school will be better FOR ME
Over the small bit of who’s better
In which case, it’ll always be you

You taught me the phrase “to each his own”, yet why’s it so ironical all at once?

Honestly I find no voice when I’m around y’all 😔

I’m sorry I’m not as bright as y’all. I’m sorry I’m not as close-knit as the rest of you all are. I’m sorry if I’m not as fast of a learner as the rest of you. I’m sorry if my community differs from yours, we’re all in the same church praising God. So why does that matter? I hate it when you imply how everything you do has an edge over me. I GET IT I GET IT.

Might it be because we have strayed down different ways? Like we all agreed its inevitable. So why do you expect us. The people whom you guys exclude. The people you guys look down on. The people who are just a speck of dust. Why do you expect us… To change to suit you? And you? And you. And you.

An unharmed daisy in the field yet you trample on us, taking the petals away, 3,2,1.

Why do I type this?
When in the end I’ll probably be a coward
For not saying it to your face
I cant even find the place
To start

It’s pure hard evidence of what I want to say. Every intention typed out is what I want to say. It wont be turned on me, because that’s your own interpretation. And maybe, just maybe, you’d let your voice rest, and listen to someone else’s.

Slowly, slowly, it fades away as just “one of her phases”
While you dominate, opinions of worth
And I remain the voice unheard

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02🌾

It’s not healthy to break down all the time.
Is it?
Seems to be normal now.

It’s not healthy that I binge eat.
Is it?
I never have the appetite to eat a substantial meal.

It’s not healthy to numb my feelings and cut it off whenever something doesn’t make sense to me.
Is it?
I don’t realise it hurts until now.

It’s not healthy to be physically alright but emotionally wrecked.
But
I guess it seems to be normal now.

It’s not healthy to disregard your own feelings
But isnt that what everyone’s doing right now?

It’s not healthy to push people away
But neither is it alright to live with the fact that you’ll be alright alone.

It’s not me to just give up so easily
But
I guess
I’m this way because I made myself be that way.

Don’t worry about me.
I’m usually like this anyways.

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Star✨🌟

Everything’s been going past like a whirr
And I’m having fun, as you twirl
Me around and around like a ribbon
All glitter and sparkled
I feel like a gem

You’re the sickening height of the stars above
From the ground
I know you’re there
It’s hard to reach out

If a warm embrace
Is all it ever needed
For me to hide my face
All blushed and weeded
And the pound of every beat
Of a racing heart
It’s not neat
Nor a work of art

I see you out there
All happy and glee
And I wonder sometimes
If I counted to three
Would everything fall apart?
Like a worst case scenario
The pitterpatter of my heart
And headache and conflict
And over thinking

It has to stop
You’re wishful thinking
And I’m still dreaming

But I held on
To that dusty breath of air
It’s stale in me
And its coming out to share

I’m not proud of this I have to say
I once doubted you when another said hey
Don’t you think it’s kinda weird
That maybe the treason
Of his changing seasons
Is because you’re the reason.

Stumped
And pumped
with anger
At the other
Its because
I realised
He may be right
But who’s he to say

When you’re happy
And you’re miles away
From him

Remember?
You’re like the stars of heaven
Twinkles and Glimmer
And I’d run up to seven
Before I could wither

The ill thoughts put in me
Because it should be all pure
You’re the sky and to be
A star forever more

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I’m drowning in my own thoughts

This needs to be stOpped

okayy so do y’all have those instances where a joke turns into a nasty lecture from your darling parents?

IT JUST HAPPENED

AND I’M SO GODDAMN PISSED

So yesterday we met an old family friend and their youngest son is 12 years old. I hate to say “P6” because he’s not. they’ve been posted to Denmark 4.5 years ago and they come back every summer. He reminisces his school days where he was so happy, so joyful in an international school. At this point of the year, when the bell goes for lunch, the young kids run to the old fence, climb it, and slide down the snow frosted slopes and end up all icy and cold, but all warmed up in their hearts and faces; just 30 minutes of pure ecstasy and laughter. During breaks he’d pull out his mum’s homemade spring rolls and instantly people would surround him all wanting to try a real spring roll- one stuffed with more vegetables than MSG content. He loved the atmosphere, the wide array of friends he made. And I loved listening to every bit of it.

And today, during dinner, I joked with my dad: “Daddy If your company ever offers an overseas posting, snap it up especially if its to Europe!”

That marked the start of a terrible dinner.

But wait a minute! Before this, I argued with my mum about tuition. Since the start of december, I’ve been having tuition EVERY BLOODY SINGLE DAY. I’VE NEVER SEEN THIS MUCH MONEY BEING GIVEN AWAY TO SOMEONE WHO HONESTLY DOESNT REALLY HELP THAT MUCH. And what I asked my mum was just a slight rendition of Oliver Twist’s “please sir, may I have some more? ”

“Please mummy, can I forgo tuition((for just one bloody lesson))”

And shit can she shout and yell so much

FOR GOD’S SAKE. SAVE YOUR MONEY WOMAN. you’re feeding me too much honey and I loathe it in its own deliciousness. ((R and J reference anyone?))

It’s not that the tuition teacher doesnt help me. She’s pretty alright. But it’s not alright to be attending tuition, worried that I’ll be late for the next tuition.

And hell can that take a toll.

ITS NOT EVEN FORGOING A DAY OF TUITION. ITS JUST ONE.

I DONT WANT TO BE YOUR FINANCIAL BURDEN SO WHY DONT YOU LET ME HELP YOU EASE IT?

“You haven’t caught up with you work”

Okayy maybe I can if I had more time to myself instead of spending it at tuition? Whaddya think Mother?

((Back to the story))

They get so worked up. Dismissing the idea that the government in ______ thinks lowly of their own education. And…. I care because?

I then tell them of a friend who went to England to study and hell she’s having a GREAT TIME THERE. She’s topping classes, doing subjects you can never get in Singapore ((religious studies//isnt that so cool)) and best of all, she’s so happy. Unburdened by all this stress. I’m so happy for her but so envious that she doesnt needa go through all this bullshit worrying a year ahead of us.

And often we always hear: “maybe after exams?” “After O’s!” “Can’t… There’s O’s next year”

For God’s sake we aren’t even 16 yet. SIXTEEN AND WE’RE STRESSING UP ABOUT A MAJOR EXAM ((whoopdedoop)) and maybe hindering living our lives to the fullest for fear it’ll be in the way of a MAJOR exam. And what if something tragic happens in our “crucial year?” We’re all prone to living a life full of regret that year.

Maybe I dont want to be living a year full of regret.

And what’s the worst about it is that apparently it wont be the “end of the world” yet they make us prepared to face the end of the world.

I’ll be much more elated if I learnt how to fight zombies or learn how to survive a major tsunami.

Or learn how to swim.

Either ways, we are trapped in the system where we need to have the worst to have the best. Bellcurve. Heyy, you could prob score an 80 for maths, up 30marks from your pass, but nO. The education system allows nothing like that!!! 30% of the cohort got near full marks! You’re dragged down to a C5. Boohoo you.

Now we switch to England where they’d prob give you the raw grade and be like “heyy! 30marks improvement? Let’s get you some camomile tea to celebrate!!”

Well, I imagine that’ll be the way they celebrate it.

And in Singapore, we drown in our own “failures”. What’s even worst, we dont even know if they are failures. For all you know it might be something to be proud of. An 8 mark improvement? That’s great! We’ll never know! And we’ll never suspect anything because everyone else is on top and oh honey, you just cant make it.

Do you know why my class is doing that badly? We are COMPARED. We never get to mark our own boundaries, our own strifes. Maybe we’re a little tougher to work on. And it sucks knowing that we are the bottom. And it sucks to actually drag yourself up from the bottom, but high tide washes in and you find yourself far from where you started, but still at the bottom of the sea. That sucks.

I’m overwhelmed right now. I hate the system so much.

I hate the way my parents think. Calling ______’s education system lagged and not up to date. What if its enjoyable? What if your children will be happy? What if it lets them live life to the fullest? I wonder.

To that family friend: matthew, I know you’re a 12 year old, and I was so impressed that you were in year 8 ((sec 2 equivalent)) and I never asked you why you were put there years before your peers. I do sincerely hope and I pray every night that you can get into a school even without a PSLE score. You’re a joy to talk to, and you elude a free, convivial spirit. I hope you grow to be a well nurtured boy and please feel blessed that you’re not deprived of a childhood in Singapore. Cherish your denmark days and be blessed you didnt spend your years here.

I also hope you find an alternative slope to slide down.

And damn you are blessed to have touched snow.

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🌾

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If I asked you what you Loved
The answer will likely roll of your tongue

You love to read
You love to write
You love birds chirping,
Music,
Tattoos,
Your mum,
Your dad,
Your bestfriend,
Your puppy;

But
How long do you think
You could go
On and on and on
Before you said

“I love myself”

I’m a falling star🌟

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Where do stars reside?
In heaven
I guess.

What are they doing up there?
God put them
Where they belong

Why are they where they are?
Maybe
Just maybe
It’s to remind us that
Even in the darkest of times
There’s still a glimmer of hope
And
The brightest stars shine in the darkest skies
On the darkest night

And look at the stars
And look how they shine for you
They’re not just in your eyes
Not just in your smile
They’re your body
For they’re your soul

And what if….
They start falling?
Like yknow
Catch a falling star
And put it in your pocket
Never let it fade away…

I guess
Stars are there to be where they’re meant to be
Fallen, dead, old
They’re there
For a reason
They are alive
They have mass
They take up space
They matter
You matter

You’re not a waste of space
You’re a fallen star

You exist
You have a purpose
Even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
Catch a falling star
And
Put it in your pocket
Never let it
Fade
Away
🌟

Never
Let
It
Fade
Away
🌟

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