Nothing’s fine I’m torn

Do you get the feeling
When everybody’s listening
But you’re not being heard

Do you get the feeling
When everybody shuts down
And jokes on you, the clown

Do you get the feeling
Where you’re in a group
But you’re not actually it
For if you were, the group is just… Not what it is anymore?

I’m not saying I’ve been left out
I’m not saying I’ve been ignored
But what I’m saying is

I’m not Janine anymore.

Why is it that I’m not comfortable in my own skin with y’all now, why is it that I’m not who I really am? Why is it that when you guys say “just be yourself” and I do, but apparently it’s not society’s norm, I’m unacceptable, I’m weird, I’m ostracised, I’m a disgrace, but really I’m just…. Janine.

When has that become a reason to leave someone out? Because that person is herself? Because she “wouldn’t mind”, she’s “used to it”.

But how about when she can’t take it anymore? “Why are you so angry?” “Why are you so unreasonable?” “You’ve changed” “what’s wrong with you?”

You know, sometimes when people ask you what’s wrong, and they go “sigh… Nothing”. It’s not because they don’t want to share, just that they don’t know where to start.

I don’t know who to confide in nowadays. I don’t know who to share my feelings with and not be judged, not be ignored. I don’t know who I’ll talk with for a long time and that person doesn’t get annoyed with me. I don’t know who will actually care to LISTEN instead of always telling me where I’ve gone wrong. Just listen. I don’t want your comments. I don’t need to be lectured. I just want to let it off my chest and no one will judge me, spread rumours about me, tell on me.

I don’t know how to feel right now it’s like I feel so numb because everything I do I just don’t feel anything. I don’t feel like I’m Janine anymore. I FEEL FAKE. Sometimes I tell myself that the only person who’s ever there for me is God, and I pray to him to make my plight seem less of a burden to me.

I’m losing touch with my own self. Sometimes I just want alone time but isolation isn’t what alone time is.
Sometimes I just wanna speak my mind, but most of the time it goes through one ear and comes out the next.
Sometimes I just want to talk to someone, but that existing fear that instead of listening, the person will criticise you, lecture you on all your mistakes, wrong doings, and no they don’t do it mercifully or sparingly.

Sometimes…

Sometimes I don’t know who the real Janine is anymore.

Nothing’s fine, I’m torn

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